Back in the winter after the holidays I sought out healer people. Non-traditional obviously. I wouldn't want to go for the “legit” therapists that took my double Blue Cross insurance. I went to chakra balancing, cranial massage, was “tuned” with tuning forks, more psychics, mediums, “ascended” masters and this was just in February. Sherry, the shaman, performed a soul retrieval on me and found that my spirit animal was a snow goose. It may be the only species of waterfowl my husband had not murdered, stuffed and hung on the walls of this cabin. So-- cool. I didn’t follow through and thank snow goose daily like I was told I should. But recently he’s made profound appearances especially during long meditations and on my carpet. I figured I’d pay tribute to him by purchasing a copy of an oil painting off Etsy.
I had read or heard that Shamans were awakened men and women who could heal and help you through crises. They could speak to your ancestors and people and spirits in other realms. I wanted to talk to Norm. I had so many questions. Was he supposed to go? Did we really have a soul contract? What’s a soul contract? Was this really for my higher good? Did he have pain? Is he happy? How’s my dad? Most of the psychics I saw picked up on his transition and gave me a blurb that convinced me that he was truly communicating with them.
“He’s with a big brown dog--like one of those hunting dogs.”
“He says not to ever sell the second home.”
“He loved the funeral you had for him.”
“He says to get rid of his stuff and sell all those guns.”
I was greedy, though. I wanted more. I wanted a conversation.
Journal entry 2/3/18
Met "A-Rod" yesterday. (I changed his name to protect his false identity.) He claims he’s a shaman and an ascended master. I don't know what either of those are but the labels sound impressive. He told me at least three times that he was an ascended master and kept trying to sell me $60 prayer necklaces --Nelson Mandalas?. He looked like he was in his 20’s and he wanted me to be his student. He told me to read his blog. I did. In it he claimed ascended masters were allowed to have multiple lovers. He wrote that he recently weaned himself off most of his meds and his spelling and grammar were awful. He spelled Oprah’s name wrong so he’s done--not my guru.
He did tell me a lot of stuff that rang true though.
*I’ll have a transformation after a period of chaos <chaos? Yep>
*I came from a broken home that had no order. <still do>
*I will have luck spiritually <I’ve always felt this>
Divine Masters are all around me <Like Mother Mary?>
Focus on my spiritual path <The only thing keeping me sane>.
Quit worrying about my future <Easy for you to say, lover boy>
Go with your artistic and spiritual pursuits <I’ll help you with those necklaces--mine
will be prettier>
There’s a strong force behind me <Is this a good thing?>
Journey within-meditate. <How do you meditate? I suck at it>
Raise your vibration. <I thought of those jiggly machines that were supposed to shake your fat off at the women’s gyms in the 70’s>
Purple aura <cool-one of my favorite colors>
Goddess Shiva--call her to help with intuition <She's real?????>
You are making your shift soon <Is this a good thing?????>
You will travel a lot <good- I want to escape THIS reality>
Journal entry: 2/9/2018 @ 9:14 am
Reading a book by Sandra Ingerman, Walking in Light: The everyday Empowerment of a Shamanic Life. She writes this about shamen in her intro, “The scars and memories of their wounds sculpt away their ego, allowing the depth of their spiritual light to shine forth.” She says shamen:
Have a rich inner world
They laugh a lot
They learn how to live and flow with the river of life
They honor themselves and nature
Have souls that yearn to touch spirit and live a meaningful life.
are spiritual healers or “one who sees in the dark”
So I made just one more appointment. I searched Sandra, the famous author shaman lady. She had lists of shamen she recommended. No A-Rod, thank God. I found one in Michigan, only 40 minutes from my house. A woman shaman named Sherry. She sold me with her email asking me to come up with an image of a flower that is gradually opening to the sun and bring it to our first session. I immediately drew a bright orange lily. Norm and I always had them growing in our gardens. I also put them on his casket mixed with purple delphiniums, yellow daisies, cat tails and turkey feathers. Lilies by our river it is.
Journal entry 2/15/18
Wow! She seemed like the real deal. . She looked like a stern grandmother in her 70’s leading me down to her lower level. Her basement looked like a cross between a horror movie scene and a large teepee. Rocks, crystals, shamanic and spiritual books comforted me after seeing the skulls and scary masks. I was nervous. Her no-nonsense approach made me forget many of her instructions and froze my brain on simple tasks. "What is your goal for this? " I had to choose two from a list. I became like my daughter, Grace, who is incapable of picking two from the Panera menu. This frustrated the shawoman. I scribbled out initial choices and settled on “faith in myself” and “healthy relationships”. (I think, I already lost my notes.)
I layed on her cold floor as she saged me, drummed around me and chanted -- calling in spirits of the east, south, west and north. She asked my permission to “enter” me. Yikes! WTF did I sign up for? For almost 2 hours she performed several rituals or sometimes just lay beside me with her hand on mine. At one point she blew into my head and chest and then she asked me if we could help Norm cross over. This made me so emotional. I did not want him going anywhere. I was not ready to let go of my big goofy protector. Bryson had conversations with him every morning from his crib. “Hey, Papa, whas up!!!” She told me that I was being selfish for wanting him to stay. Yeah, well, maybe it’s time for me to be selfish, shaman lady! I need me some helping spirits. She reassured me that he would still be around at times but he needed to move on. I reluctantly helped my husband “go to the light” sobbing silently through bossy shaman Sherry's directives.
From Sherry’s notes:
Your soul parts are coming back. (I lost almost 20 pounds--not sure I want my "parts" back.)
YOU are coming back (Where was I?)
Cleared root chakra (Apparently clogged roots in humans = bad.)
Cut cord of people not supportive. (Bu-bye!)
Your heart is cleared--there is a rainbow coming from it. (I'm a Care Bear!)
Your protectors are back. (That's good. Not sure if my goose can guard me against the bears that live in my woods.)
Balanced chakras. (Someone please tell me what the hell this means.)
Fear is gone--abusive energy of ancestor was pulled out. (Nope. Still scared of these crazy ass masks.)
Strength and integrity is back (Not real sure about that. You should see how I dress sometimes.)
Your power animal is a snow goose--long flight--long vision--ask him to protect you and thank him--create a relationship with him (Down pillows--big yes or big no?)
Norm has given me back my talents and faith in myself. (Who took them in the first place?)
You’ll feel a big shift within 2 weeks and begin to think differently.
(How much more "different" can I possibly get?)
Well, she was right. I became pretty damn different. And, I got my conversation.